


Potatoes

by jeanne the bread (tiredtempura)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, crackship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28399452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredtempura/pseuds/jeanne%20the%20bread
Summary: Delaying your death has its perks.
Relationships: Sasha Blouse/Levi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Potatoes

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at fanfiction.net as an answer to the challenge 'can you seriously write an SNK crackfic for an equally crackship' six years ago. Beta'd.

In Levi's opinion, despite the suicidal psychotic shifters, horse-faced shitless assholes, biggest mother-fucking traitors, and coward birdbrains, the graduates of the 104th weren't bad. In fact, they could've been the brightest of their league.

Of course, given the fact that their seniors either _chickened out_ or were _eaten_.

Graduation wasn't everything. The real deal always begins on whether or not the new graduates would survive their first mission outside the walls. The softer side of him could've spat it directly to Erwin's large face, or better yet to the brass, that he was against it. Even the most skilled of his league cannot cheat death. And what manner it is, to die being eaten by titans.

But this was inevitable. Delaying your death has its perks.

What would come after the first mission was a soldier with high survival rate, equipped with skills enough to let them survive for the next mission. After all, a streak of luck is nothing but a short-lived hope. Outside the walls, they were titan treats, just a bunch of kids forced to wear gears and accept the fact that the next day might not be the same as today. They might find themselves inside a cavernous mouth, they might lose a limb or two, they might watch their own friends devoured in front of them.

Things that could've offended even those who are heartless had become a habit to them.

A real pity.

He had a fair share of the horrors of being in the Survey Corps. He lost a lot of great men, and he knew it wouldn't cease. As long as there are titans, he would lose another Petra and Olouo and Eldo and Gunther.

_"We're done for!"_

A nerve cracked. Levi was near to the brim of losing his patience.

"I won't see my friends again we'd be eaten alive I wonder how many titans would fight over my lifeless carcass what would my Father feel about my death I wished I ate that meat I stole from Connie this morning those potatoes too Mikasa would probably offer me a loaf of bread in loving memor—"

_"Shut up."_

She turned, that... _thing,_ which reminded him distressingly of Hanji, dared to look at him with sickening puppy brown eyes that made Levi want to gouge it out with his own blades, though reconsidering the task would probably cost him a clean handkerchief afterwards.

A lifetime worth of sigh. He looked up. The small opening basked the _thing_ with a little spotlight, a futile attempt to feel the sun before their untimely death.

Levi tried to assess their situation. _Their fucking situation_.

They were in some sort of cave. He was with a _thing_ worse than _Eren Jaeger_. There were no reinforcements coming. He was out of blades.

Yeah, what a way to die. _Humanity's strongest his ass._

Partially blaming himself as to why he tried to save the _thing_ when she recklessly tried to keep a senior from being deboned by an _aberrant,_ Levi dusted a nearby boulder and settled himself comfortably, arms crossed.

"If we're lucky enough, one of those idiots would notice we're missing," he tried to reason, though he was doubtful about it. He knew squad leaders would tend to lax out when it was all about him. After all, Levi would be the last man to be saved like some fucking damsel in distress. If it was only him, he could worm a way out. Probably use his gear, kill a couple of titans, and whistle for reinforcements.

But no. He wasn't alone. He was with that _thing._

Now he wants Eren Jaeger with him, at least he could slice the freak off and he'd go turn into a titan and run their way back to Trost.

 _Blasted._ He never so much dreamed of having Eren Jaeger's company.

The _thing_ started to cry.

"Can you spare me some silence or do you want me to stitch that noisy trap of yours?" he snapped, and the _thing_ covered her mouth with her hands. It was infectious, her misery. Levi started to feel a great knot settle down on his chest.

_He had worse than this. Way worse than this._

His stomach grumbled. _Fuck_ , that one cup of tea and two slices of bread seemed ages ago.

"Heichou!"

A chill went down his spine as he jumped off the boulder. The _thing_ was already on her feet, looming behind his shoulder. She had a mad glint on her eyes, like the ones Hanji used to have whenever you ask her about her titan researches. The uncanny similarity made everything worse.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

She seemed to be in a fit, her shoulders hunkering up and down, her mouth slack-jawed, and an eminent garbled laugh issued form her throat.

"Heichou, are you hungry?"

He cringed.

She looked suspiciously around, as if somehow people would magically turn up in the cave. Slowly, her hand fished something inside her shirt pocket, and Levi watched in fascination as she produced...

_A moldy looking, large, wart-infested potato._

"Yes," she said dramatically. "My last one"

In disgust of her and of that thing which she was holding, he took tentative steps away from her and pointed at the brown thing on her hand.

"How long has that been sitting in your shirt pocket?" he tried to hide panic in his voice. Somehow being trapped in a cave was superficial. He shuddered at the thought of all those times he had close contact with her, with that _thing_ rotting inside her clothes.

"I have stowed this for the worst times," she said sagely. "It's the largest one I've got out of the kitchen!"

Judging by how the mold had covered most of the thing Levi could only look at her in disbelief.

"Throw it away!" he ordered, his voice ringing all throughout the cave. She gasped and held the potato protectively.

"You people from the city have no regard whatsoever with food!" she yelled back. A nerve finally cracked.

"You have no idea how well I know about rotting food!" _and drinking sewer water, for that matter._

"Then we could eat this," she said, almost in a reverent whisper, and Levi did seriously considered sticking up his last blade on his head. With adept fingers, she divided the thing into two and offered the lesser piece towards him.

"Here, heichou," she said with shining eyes, drool pooling out of the corner of her mouth.

He stepped back.

"Here, take it," she cooed.

He was wrong. This was the worst.

"Fuck off," he said. "I'd die first before you can shove that blasted rotting thing down my throat!"

Her eyes gleamed bright.

With a yell resembling a war-cry she jumped inhumanely towards him, arms outstretched, ready to push that hellish thing on his mouth. He jumped out of the way, but she was persistent. With a flash of surprise, he realised her hand caught his hood. He saw her other hand fly in the air, armed with that green stale thing—it was getting near—he barely caught a flash of green—a stench so overpowering caught his nose—it was his end.

_"HEWARRSHOO?"_

They both stopped and looked up.

A set of large teeth was hovering above them. Eren Jaeger's titan form was hunkering on the hole, with Mikasa Ackerman perched on his shoulder, jaws opened at the sight below.

Levi shoved the _thing_ off of him.

_He would never, ever eat potatoes again._


End file.
